Oh my, has it really been over two weeks since my last blog? I guess that in addition to being busy with household things, I’ve just been at a loss of things to write about. I still am, really. I have some pictures and a few cute stories to share, but I feel that after a long absence, I owe you more than that. If you have a question or topic that you’d like me to write about, please leave a comment or click over to the “Contact Me” button to the right. I could use the inspiration!
In the meantime, I came across a quote yesterday that I’d like to share. After writing about Responding to Unkind Comments last month, I received a number of heartbreaking emails and comments from mothers who have been the recipients of unkind comments about their families. A few of you said that the most hurtful comments came from members of your extended families. My friends, this is for you. :-)
The following quote was written by a grandmother struggling with the news that her daughter was expecting her fifth baby. This woman gives some excellent advice about taking our cares to God and overcoming our fears, but equally helpful (and encouraging) is knowing who this grandmother is. Go ahead and read the quote, and then I’ll reveal who the author is.
Too Many Children?
When I learned that my daughter Valerie was expecting number five, my insides tied themselves in knots.
Val and Walt were both very peaceful about it, willing to receive this child as they had received the others–as a gift from the Lord, remembering His words, “Whoever welcomes this child in my name welcomes me” (Luke 9:48, NIV). But my imagination ran to the future and its seeming impossibilities–”Poor dear Val. She has her hands more than full. What will she do with five?” Before she was married Valerie had told me that she hoped the Lord would give her six. I had smiled to myself, thinking she would probably revise that number after the first three or four. Practical considerations rose like thunderclouds in my mind. Money. Another room to be built onto the house. Homeschooling (Valerie was teaching two already!) How would the new child receive the attention he needed? Etc., etc.
Then I began to look at the advantages. I was one of six children myself, and loved growing up in a big family. Children learn early what it means to help and to share, to take responsibility and to make sacrifices, to give place to others, to cooperate and deny themselves. Why all this turmoil in my soul? Well, because I loved my child! She was tired! Her hands were full! Maybe later, maybe when the others were old enough to help more, maybe… O Lord!
I tried to talk to God about it. Breakfast time came, we ate, washed dishes, school began in the children’s schoolroom, and I went to my room, my heart churning. What does one do?
I write this because troubled young women have come to me not understanding their mothers’ reactions to the news of another baby. Was it resentment? Did they not love the grandchildren they had? Why would they not want more? Was it nothing but a meddle-some yen to run their children’s lives? Was it a revelation of a worse attitude–an unwillingness to let God be God?
It was this last question that I knew I must wrestle with as I knelt in the bedroom. Most things that trouble us deeply come down to that. I had to bring each of my wrong responses definitely and specifically to God, lay them honestly before Him (He already knew exactly what I was thinking), confess my pride and silliness, and then, just as definitely accept His sovereign and loving will for Valerie, for her family, and for me as the granny. Only God knew how many countless others, even in future generations, He had in mind in bringing this particular child into the Shepard family. He was granting this family the privilege of offering sacrifices for Him, participating in His grand designs. YES, LORD. Your will is my conscious choice. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing else.
Even though the feelings don’t evaporate at once, they have been surrendered, and the Lord knows what to do with them. Mine had to be surrendered over and over again, but He took them, and over the next few days He transformed them. And when the news of Number Six was broken to me two years later, I was able to say Thank You, Lord, and to add that tiny unknown one to my prayer list.
Evangeline Mary, born November 9, 1988, was lovingly welcomed by all.
Beautiful, isn’t it?
It was written by none other than Elisabeth Elliot, a wonderful, Titus 2 lady who has inspired countless women over the course of many years. Elisabeth’s first husband, Jim Elliot, was one of five missionaries to South America martyred in 1956, when young Valerie was just ten months old. After Jim died, Elisabeth brought three-year-old Valerie and went to live among the people who killed her husband, serving them as a missionary for two years. Interestingly, Valerie and her husband Walter are now parents of eight children, and at fifty-six, Valerie is a grandmother.
Dear mothers, who have been hurt when your family responds less than enthusiastically towards news of a new life inside you, I hope this encourages you. Elisabeth Elliot is a woman who has trusted God more than most, and even she was not immune to struggling with trusting God to care of her child and grandchildren. I love her transparency, I love her advice, and I love the outcome. Perhaps these words will help you to empathize with your own extended families.
I could not get to your blog fast enough when I saw that you posted :-) What a perfect thing to share! It is ironic that someone who lived on the edge and had experienced such danger would have this worry in another area for their own daughter. You have the perfect encouragement…EVEN Elisabeth Elliott worried :-)
Julie, I love how you phrased that: EVEN Elisabeth Elliot worried! :-)
I loved this story. I never knew to trust the LORD for family planning – never considered that God might have wanted me to have more than my two children. I certainly never considered the long term planning that God does! Certainly a benefit of deciding to homeschool my youngest has been finding a community of women that really trust in the LORD in every way.
Sara, homeschooling has helped us, too, in connecting with some wonderful families that pull us along in our faith! That was an unexpected benefit. :-)
I LOVE Elisabeth Elliot! I have all of her books, except for a couple I have only found at her website. What inspiration she is, and yet she, too, has struggled in her faith, even while in Ecuador serving God so sacrificially.
As I have just weaned #7, I expect I’ll be announcing #8 in the near future. I get comments from my mom, my grandma, and other close family members. They think it’s too much work for me, too expensive, there’s not enough room in our 1400 sq ft house, etc. I was an only child, and I hated it. I longed for brothers and sisters. I see in my younger kids how much they learn from the older ones and how the older ones love to teach and play with the younger. Yes, they fight, but they learn to share, they learn to get along, and they all would rather be together than alone. I have learned to be more and more frugal, and we are living better now with seven kids than we did with two or three. Part of it is the mindset. We don’t have to have fancy things, a huge house, designer clothes (although I can find some nice designer clothes at garage sales for cheap!!). I never planned on this many kids, never planned to let God decide, but I would not have it any other way!!
Thanks for your encouragement, Samantha! It’s amazing how you learn to think outside the box as you have more children and stretch an income, household space, etc. :-) God knows better than we, doesn’t He?
Hi Michelle,
Your website has been a real inspiration to me. I am the mother to five beautfiul children. I found out this past December that I was expecting baby number six. We were all so happy and thankful to God. At my twelve week doctor’s appt., we were devastated to find that our little one had no heartbeat. I had no signs of miscarriage, it was a “missed miscarriage”. My sister said, “Maybe you were only meant to have five”. That really hurt. Lots of comments from people hurt, and the lack of acknowledging the baby hurt too. I will never again take pregnancy for granted. Each baby is so precious. Instead of worrying about having too many, I am praying that God will bless us again.
Oh my goodness, how did that terrible clown get attached to my email! My teenager must have been playing around on the computer and somehow attached this icon. Sorry.
Hi Michelle, funny that you ended up with the clown icon!
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. That’s so sad. :-( Your dear little one WAS meant to be, DID have a purpose, and I believe, is waiting for you in Heaven. I’m sorry for the response you got from your sister and others. They probably were trying to encourage you and didn’t realize how hurtful their words were. I hope that you are blessed again with another dear baby.
michelle, your story reminded me of my own. 12 years ago, I was expecting our 4th baby and was thrilled. At six months along….no heartbeat. James was born…..wow that was so difficult. We lost the next two also – both at 8 weeks. My mom said “maybe God is telling you to stop”. I was so hurt. I couldn’t believe she could say such a thing. We just celebrated beautiful Solveig’s (way of the son) 10th year, then Gwenna’s 8th, then Bryn’s 6th, soon we celebrate Leif’s 4th and in November, Lydia’s 2nd :) My mom moaned with each one and couldn’t believe we cannot just stop! I have heard other similar things from extended family members. Now, we are unable to have any more children, and I cannot convey in words how difficult that is for me on a weekly, if not daily basis. But, am so grateful God has blessed us with eight. Bless you, and I will keep you in my prayer’s ….really!
I knew Elizabeth Elliot took her daughter and went back to live with the tribe that killed her husband. But, I never knew about this aspect of their relationship. I love her statement that most things that trouble us deeply come down to not letting God be God. Thanks for sharing this.
I liked that statement too. It can truly apply to all areas of fear and worry in our lives, can’t it?
That’s great encouragement. I don’t even care anymore, I guess I just got over it! ;P I have 5 and people can just think what they like, doesn’t change my life any!
Wow…I needed to read this! We are expecting baby #8 and people are just finding out. For the last couple of pregnancies, I have been afraid to tell my own mother because of her lack of enthusiasm and encouragement. She worries about our childrens’ future, where I’ll get the energy I need to keep up, etc. It has been hurtful to me and I’m realizing that I need to forgive her. It makes me fearful as to what other family members think, and even friends from church. Please pray for me–all I really need is God’s approval, not everyone else’s! Thanks!
Cheryl, my mom was the exact same way!! We had our eighth 20 mths ago. I cannot have any more children and that is so so difficult to bare. My advise to you is, don’t be around family if they are down on your lifestyle and find other women/mothers who live like you!! May God bless you and your hubby for allowing God to bless you – all those children will be grateful you did!!
Congratulations on baby #8! Praying that you won’t rely on the approval of people, but God alone.
God is in charge. That’s what I had to keep telling me after each miscarriage. Just keep praying they said. Only mothers who have lost children truly understand the depth of our loss. I am now blessed to raise two wonderful boys, currently eating me out of house and home at 11 and 14. My husband I had wanted five. We got to keep two. They are true miracles, each of them. We’re all looking forward to meeting their siblings one day.
Tina @ Life is Good
Tina, I’m so sorry for your losses. Enjoy those wonderful boys, your miracles sent by God.
I just saw this post on facebook and HAD to read! After 2 children , then 2 miscarriage, all of our extended family said we should not have anymore children. I was so hurt by this. My passion is children. God gave that passion to me for a reason. Every time after that our family would be FURIOUS that we were having another child. Mostly financial complaints, “you can’t afford anymore!”. I kept my head held high and held on to my convictions. Now years later we have 6 boys, and 5 in heaven. I’m still praying that God would allow me to have more blessings, but sadly the comments have gotten to my husband. As a man, he is the provider. He feels threaten by such anger about us having children; and it threatening our finances. (Can you believe they are angry?)
I cannot wait to read more on your blog~
Blessings~
Holly, I’m sorry for the losses you’ve experienced and the harsh comments that your family has had to bear. I know it hurts to hear, but don’t believe what they say. God is in control, and He never makes mistakes! Each one is truly a blessing.
SOOO thankful for this today! We are expecting our 7th and sometimes get weary of the comments. God is good and children are such a tremendous blessing! I would’nt have it any other way. Bless you Michelle and your beautiful family.
Thank you, Denise, and congratulations on #7! :-)
Thank you for sharing this. I have a two year old, a 10 month old and am 20 weeks along with twins right now and have been so discouraged by people’s comments-especially Christians basically telling us we shoulda been done at two or should definitely be done, now, and maybe we will be, but it helps to remember that most people’s comments are probably stemming from them caring about us and not because they hate our kids or think we are irresponsible!
Twins, how wonderful! Double congratulations to you! :-)
I absolutely love this post, and it is just what my husband and I needed to read. We are young and have 1 child right now (which we got comments about like “are you ready?” “Can you afford it?”) We have been convicted about giving God the control for our family and are hoping for number 2 soon. As we initially started sharing these convictions with family they were not very well responded by a coupole of family members.
It’s hurts me that when we get pregnant again, I will actually dread telling a couple people. I wish I didn’t have to feel sad or guilty about expecting.
I can only imagine into the future when we’re expecing #4 or #6 etc… Thanks for sharing this!
Just discovered your site, and wanted to say thank you for this post! We just welcomed our third daughter, and people are already making comments. My grandmother hasn’t been happy about any of my pregnancies because we’ve only been married 4 1/2 years and have very little money, so even the first was hard for her to handle. Friends keep asking if we’re done, or if we’re going to try for a boy. It’s hard to know how to explain to someone with a totally different mindset that we’ll keep having children whether we “get a boy” or not.
Anyway, this post convicts me to extend more grace toward those who make comments. I know that they worry because they love me and don’t want me overwhelmed. It’s just been hard to think kindly of them because each time I get pregnant I feel like they don’t love my babies as much as they should. But, I need to extend the naysayers grace in the same way I’ve been given grace for so much worse.
So, thank you!
Hi Bethany, Thank you, and congratulations on your newest blessing! :-)
Dear beautiful mothers,
Please know that there are we grandmothers who love our children and accept THEIR children, all of them, unconditionally. Have all the children you want -or as you say, God sends you- and want all the children you have. You may even include children of your heart as well as children of your body. What you teach your children before they are six is of enormous value to the future of the world- the sharing, the values, the love. To paraphrase a wise man, what those who voice unsolicited opinions think of you is none of your business. Rejoice in your choice.
With love and respect, Mantlady
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Linda. :-)