Family size has been on my mind, for two reasons:
- I am expecting, and pregnancy always brings about a time of reflection and prayer.
- Lately I’ve been peppered with more than the usual number of comments and questions.
While the first reason was dealt with rather quickly, early in my pregnancy, the second never goes away. Our culture seems to have no rules of etiquette about “off-limits” comments to make about a large family. I welcome genuine questions and nice (or even neutral) comments. We hear “are they all yours?” and “You sure have your hands full” every time we are out together as a family, and I’m glad to smile and reply, “Yes, they are!” or “Yes, we are very blessed!” Some folks might joke around, “Are you trying to keep up with the Duggars?” or “Are you going for your own baseball team?” I love people like that. They are just friendly folks making conversation.
Other comments are harder to take.
“Are you CRAZY???”
“I would slit my wrists!”
“Are you sadistic or something?”
“Are they all yours?” (Yes, they are!) “Mmm. I’m so sorry.”
While it’s hard not to feel offended at some of the comments, I try to respond graciously and let the commenter hear a different perspective. These are people who’ve been raised in a culture which views children as leeches that suck the fun, money, and life right out of you. I try to be grateful for the opportunity to share our biblical, but culturally radical, belief that children are a blessing. A smile and a short, kind answer may not change their minds, but it will give them a new perspective to at least hear and consider.
Large families, I would encourage you, when confronted by comments that are hurtful, to take this approach:
- Expect it. When you have four or more children, know that your family is different and will draw attention whether you like it or not. Be grateful for the good comments, but be prepared for the bad.
- Don’t believe it. Don’t allow yourself to fall for the lie that your precious little blessings were a mistake. Remember that God is the only one who can open and close the womb, and He doesn’t make mistakes.
- Look beyond your own feelings and into the heart of the other person. You might be talking to an overwhelmed, single mother struggling with one or two children, who can’t fathom the thought of four, five, or more. You may be talking to someone who grew up in a home where they were treated as an unloved burden, thus taught that children are undesirable. You may be talking to someone who actually does see children as a blessing, but has been taught that they have to make 6-figures and have a 3-bedroom home with two new cars in the driveway before they can think about it. Or, you may be talking to someone who loves you and worries about you; you may not agree with them, but they really do mean well.
- Resist the temptation to respond with a sarcastic answer. It might make you appear witty, but it isn’t a response that will shine a light into a dark world.
- Remember the number one reason why you wanted a large family, and try to convey that in your response. For example, when asked “Are you CRAZY???” you might say, “Not at all! Quite the opposite; we are very blessed.” Answer in kindness and love.
While it isn’t always easy to deal with those comments (and I admit that I don’t always do such a great job myself) try to thank God for the opportunity. People believe these lies about children, whether they say them out loud or not. When you are in a position to hear it, consider it a God-ordained opportunity to share a new perspective. Let your answers be gentle and seasoned with truth, bearing in mind these verses:
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. ~Proverbs 15:1
But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect. ~1 Peter 3:15
Michelle, I hate when people think they can say whatever they want to a person. I have 4 kids as you know and I get the same thing. I just tell them, no, I love my kids and I love having them home with me whenever possible. Let them think what they want.
Hopefully they’ll realize their mistaken comments. Great Post, Michelle!!
love,
Denise of Ingleside, PEI
I love this post! I especially LOVE the part about sarcasm…LOVE that!
I will admit that I fall victim to the temptation of a sarcastic answer. More often than not, I’m left there standing with my chin hitting the floor because I can’t believe how rude some people can be. I really need to work on a gracious and gentle response. Thank you for this!
When I’ve been told that I have my hands full (we only have 4!), I sometimes say, “And so is my heart :)” I really loved your post. Occasionally I do use sarcasm. So this is a great reminder to see every conversation as a potential witness to someone who may just be curious.
Several of your points can be applied to questions about adoption too. Our youngest was adopted and we occasionally get questions that are borderline rude… but probably just curiosity. And I’m really thankful for the times when I’m sure I came across as rude when I wasn’t sure of the right thing to say. I’m thankful for grace :)
Thanks!
I like the response, “Crazy like a fox!” with a cunning expression (like you have secret knowledge.)
Great post Michelle! I only have four (and would have had more if I were younger), but get odd comments sometimes too. Great advice you gave here.
So sorry you have all been so sick lately. Hope you get better real soon.
Thank you for this post. I get many unkind comments directed at my family and I usually am so caught of guard, I just give a little smile and walk away. I have a really hard time letting it go, too. I dwell on it and it hurts. I haven’t got any friends that would truly understand either.
Even worse (in my opinion), is that I’m currently pregnant with my 6th child and I don’t want to tell my extended family for as long as possible. They would be your last example. They love us and simply worry about us (and think we’re being irrisponsible), but they are also quite blunt about it. I get tired of defending myself; I shouldn’t have to. And strangly, I’m from a family of five that had a good upbringing. Both my parents worked, though. I think the fact that I stay home (and homeschool) is a big reason; we supposedly don’t make enough money. Yet it hasn’t been a problem so far. :)
Sorry this got to be so long; yet being pregnant does seem to make it more upsetting for me right now.
All of your children are blessed to have you and my son as parents. You are both doing a wonderful job instilling the right values in the children… and I for one for think that YOU were born to be a mother… I love you all!
Great post! It is funny that I read it today because I went to an OB appointment and had my two boys with me. Kaleb next to me and Micah in my arms. There was a lady in the elevator who looked at my belly and said, “wow, you have your hands full!” I was thinking, wow….it’s only 3 kids!
Missed you at church! I really hope that you all get better very soon!
Wonderful advice you gave! :)
I think large families are just *wonderful* and would love to add to ours!
You have a beautiful family and are blessed! :)
I want to add…that I educate our children at home and when people hear that and know that my children are with me *most* of the time, they are shocked! It saddens me when mothers are looking forward to their children going “back to school”. I know it doesn’t mean they don’t love their children and that they are looking forward to the quiet of an empty home for the day….but I *always* want my children to feel “Wanted” and “loved”! I can’t imagine how it must make children feel to know that their mother finds “relief” when their children aren’t with her. :( I know that some people find it ridiculous for me to homeschool…but I find it a blessing! :)
The hardest hting for us has was when we had our first boy everyone said “Oh you finally got your boy, so now you can stop.” I hated it when my girls heard that because i don’t want them to ever feel like they were not important and that we really wanted a boy. we didn’t care what the sex was but society saw it differently. Now that we have had our second son we get the comments of oh you needed another boy so Levi could have a brother. I try very hard to protect my girls from those comments because Levi would have been fine with 6 sisters if that is what the Lord had wanted.
Sorry for rambling
Susan
I really needed to hear this. I am pregnant with my 6th and I have really been hit hard lately with rude comments. It is also sad that my kids have to hear their comments. My one son is very hurt by them so it hurts even worse when they say mean things. With your ideas, maybe I will be able to deal with it better. I will have to share your comments with my kids so that they can deal with peoples rude comments too. Thank you for the encouragement!
Probably the rudest comment I’ve ever received regarding our large family came recently. The converstion with a cashier turned toward my current pregnancy and upon hearing that I was expecting my seventh she said to me with utter contempt in her voice “Wouldn’t it have been easier to just shoot yourself?” I was nearly at a loss
for words (a rarity) and could only respond to her with, “Um, no. No it wouldn”t.” With as little sarcasm as possible. It still makes me angry to think about it.
I truly appreciate this post. After having our third, everyone kept asking if we were done, even complete strangers. We just found out that our fourth is on the way, and I’m concerned about the responses that we will get and hoping that I can be graceful with my replies. Our children are such a blessing, but society has made them appear as a burden. Again, thank you for your positive thoughts.
Thanks for this post. I am pregnant with baby boy #5. Yep, that is right 5 boys and although I am really disappointed we will be having a boy I wouldn’t change having another child. I get lots of rude comments and it is hard knowing the messages that are portrayed to my sons. God has really been showing me the meaning of Prov.26:4 “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him.” Nothing is gained by my sarcastic response.
Thank you for this. I am pg with our 6th . I have five boys (queen620, I struggled with news of a 5th boy). Your blog pointed out to me to “hold my tongue”. Sarcastic has been my answer since we shared the news!! It’s been so hard this time – I wish people would be more sensitive to the situation instead of feeling like they NEED to comment. (Cat – I had the same thing said to me before by a cashier in Goodwill. And I couldn’t help but think… “How does she not know my family hasn’t had someone commit suicide!?!?” That comment stunned me too and still bothers me). I just know the “girl” comments are going to continue – they have already started. I appreciate this blog and I intend to focus on all the amazing positive things on here!!
Had to come back and re read this post for encouragment. Today was a rough day for me. My pastor’s wife jokingly told my husband that our quiver is already full enough. I’m preg with #4.
Deanna from Texas
I’m sorry you had to hear that, Deanna. We tend to expect more from our friends at church, don’t we? But they were raised in this same culture, and I guess they aren’t immune to not “getting” what a blessing children are. I hope you are feeling well with your newest little blessing on the way.
I have this post in particular bookmarked. I look to it from time to time for encouragement. Like the previous commenter, I struggle with hurtful comments from those who go to church with me. I am starting to really show with our #5; our oldest is 8. I tend to (usually) let comments from others slide off my back. I guess I expect my brothers and sisters in Christ to be at least kind, even if they don’t agree. Thank God for His hand in the writing of this post!
Great encouragement. I would add not to respond with puffed-up pride. Sometimes we can pride ourselves for having large families, forgetting with the others that it truly is the Lord who opens and closes the womb. I struggled with this and hearing it from my daughter’s mouth made me realize, that in wanting to defend having more than 1.2 children, I had spoken arrogantly about it. I don’t mean anyone here has been arrogant but I do think it can creep in at times. At least for me! : )
Thanks for the reminder, Alison. I agree that we need to give God all the glory. Parenting is a tremendous blessing, but it’s also tough and humbling, and I don’t think any of us could do it but by the grace of God. :-)
I just want to say on behalf of everyone making cold comments, “We are sorry!” I have made those comments. I feel terrible. I did NOT mean them to be cold or defeating at ALL. Many of us are in complete awe and have incredible admiration for all of you! We say stupid things. We do. Okay, I do. I want to say something like, “You are amazing!” But instead I say, “Wow, you have your hands full!” Because I would feel that way, juggling what all of you do so well with such poise. Some of us feel like we are barely surviving with 2 or 3 kids. Top that with the uncomfortable goal of making conversation, which for some reason I often feel led to do, when I should just smile at you. I am trying to commiserate with you, when you are actually doing quite well and I am the miserable one, not you. Well, I am learning to embrace my new life with kids (God blessed me with 2 surpises that I never expected in a million years), but it is taking me awhile. I am not the patient mom my homeschooled kids need me to be. But I love them enough to homeschool them. And I do so admire you. Please give idiots like me a break. Sometimes we don’t mean to be rude. We just might not understand something you REALLY get. And when we say something stupid do NOT take it as a personal attack. Take it as it is – something stupid. Because you ARE amazing.
Hi Bonnie, I’m smiling because I certainly would never be offended at all by “you have your hands full.” Please don’t stop making conversation with folks for fear of offending them. I think the kinds of comments that we mean here are more the type that I listed above – “I’d slit my wrists!” and things of that nature. And yes, I totally agree with you that we need to give people a break and give them the benefit of the doubt. :-) I hope that’s the message that came across in the article. God Bless!
Michelle,
Thank you so much for addressing this important topic! I must confess, I find myself replying to the “so, are you going to have any more?” question with sarcasm…usually saying something along the lines of “well, so far we like all of them…so I guess we’ll just keep having more as long as we like them”. Your post has shown me that I can and should be shining the light of Jesus through my responses to this and other questions about my large family. I can also change my perspective and see it as an opportunity instead of something I dread. Thank you for the encouragement :) God bless!
I stumbled on this post today and even I want to say thank you for sharing. I’m a mom of 4 boys, and my youngest has some extra (special) needs to get through the day.
I often hear the words of I’m sorry in regards to my son’s needs – but also in regards to having only boys. I don’t for one second regret my decisions of a) having children b) it being only boys and c) the last hard 8 years of keeping my child alive.
I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, the experiences I have with them and the love I give and receive.
My greatest lesson is to not care what others think.. they don’t make my bed at night. I don’t need to or should have to defend myself to anyone.
And while I don’t homeschool my kids, I admire those that do.
So to all moms with kids – chin up! Live the life the way you like it or want it..
Thanks Petra, I’m so glad you know your children to be the blessings that they are. :-)
Hi, I am a mother of 5 on earth with a baby angel in heaven. My 3rd child, Ryan ~ was born November 2, 2005 and died December 31 2005 of SIDS. We are currently expecting our 7th child. We had an ultrasound today which revealed a due date of August 7th 2012. We are so excited about our new addition, feel blessed and yet have this sad reluctance to tell anyone, yes because its a little early but mostly because most of our friends & family are so negative about us growing our family any further. They say a lot of those comments that are hurtful and my mother-n-law even after my last, pointed her finger in my face saying, you better get some kind of protection. We are a christian family that provides a warm loving home, a very good marriage and I am able to stay at home with my children. My husband is a wonderful provider, we live on a modest income but we are happy! We’re not sure why so many people care that we want a large family or feel the need to make very hurtful comments. We don’t ask for sitters for the parents, we don’t borrow money, why do people care? My friends , they can’t understand why I don’t want to go out, have drinks and get my little figure back. My family, my children make me happy, they are not a burden they are our blessing.
Oh my, Hugs to you! I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Losing a child (on earth, that is. Children are an eternal gift!) is about the hardest thing I could imagine ever going through.
God bless your newest addition! I agree, it doesn’t make sense why other people would care. Your family is so blessed and happy, warm, loving, and not affecting anyone else, so you can’t help wondering why anyone would feel the need to pick on you. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’d encourage you to not worry about what anyone else says, and focus your heart on knowing you have God’s approval – He created each of those little gifts, so He obviously wants you to have them!
Thanks Michelle! My girlfriend told me about your page and said it might help me and it really has been inspiring ! Thank you for sharing your family and experiences with all of us!
Kerri
I appreciate this post so much! we have 6 children (so far) and I feel overjoyed at home with them, teaching them and watching them grow. I often feel unprepared when we go somewhere and get rude comments. I find we answer gracefully, but then get in the van and say rude things amongst ourselves about the people who commented. We know better. I’m reminded of the scripture that says, “you honor Me with your lips, but your hearts are far from Me.” My husband and I should be praying for these people instead of saying the right thing and then letting our offense drive us to say rude things, which is really no better than what they did. In my own home (my natural habitat I call it) it’s so much easier. The devil certainly likes to use people to attack us, but if we are gonna have victory we have to stand firm. We need to pray for the people the devil uses as his pawns, they don’t have the truth. We have no family or friends or even church family that really understands, so when I leave the natural habitat, it’s inevitable to hear these things. Since we have decided to not prevent any pregnancies and let the Lord build our family to His will, we wait as long as possible to tell anyone when we do get pregnant. It’s really hard to hold so much joy inside, but it gives us a while to be prepared with a loving response and little offense to the comments. I won’t let the devil trick me into believing his lie about children. God’s Word stands forever!!!!
p.s. Bless you all for enduring this. You will be rewarded! :)
Hi Melissa, what a wonderful reminder to watch our thoughts and not our words only. You are right that we need to have compassion for those who are believing these sad lies about children, and pray for them. God bless!
I must confess that I have a pocket full of prepared responses. Some of which certainly are laced with sarcasm that I like to think of as humor. People like to laugh and some times it is necessarily to break the tension THEY created.
Here are my replies to the following constant questions:
Comment: Wow, are they all yours?
Reply: 1. I sure hope so!
2. Well no, I have more at home.
3. They sure are, aren’t they cute?
4. Well, I do share them with my husband.
Comment: Don’t you know what causes this?
Reply: 1. Yes.
2. Yeah, but we don’t have a t.v. in our bedroom.
3. Sure I do, let’s just say my husband and I get along really well.
Comment: What are you, Catholic or Mormon?
Reply: 1. No, just a reckless protestant
Comment: Boy, you have your hands full!
Reply: 1. They sure are…
2. You should see the rest of them.
3. I know right? You want some, I have a few to spare (This one really makes em giggle)
Comment: What would possess you to have all these kids?
1. IDK, I guess God just really trust me
2. I have to add to my collection
3. Well, my husband and I agree that when we have an ugly
one we will stop. (Also works with “Are you done?”
Comment: Are you done yet? aka So, you are done now, right? Are you having more?
1. See above
2. I don’t know, we will take anything God gives us.
3. I’m not God so I can’t answer ya.
4. I sure hope not/so!
5. I’m not sure, what do you think I should do?
Comment: What, do you not believe in birth control then/or somethin? (asked in both honest curiosity but more often disgust)
1. Sure I do! I give God all control. He seems to know what he
is doing…he hasn’t steered me wrong yet!
And my all time favorite:
Comment: HOW DO YOU DO IT?
Reply:
I DON’T, GOD DOES.
(confession, my oldest daughter will occasionally reply: what makes you think I am doing it? or Doing what?)
I could use some new material though, anyone else have any funny replies?
BTW, I am always pleasant in my reply and try and get them to smile. People either love us or hate us. (We are the McCarty Crew, 6 boys, 3 girls) If someone comes at me really hard (and yes it happens) that is when I smile the most. I teach the kids to always smile and it doesn’t hurt to bat your eyes now and then either. I also tell them, the other ppl around you shouldn’t know your names…because If I have said your name so many times that the fellow shoppers know your name, something is wrong.
One key my hubby and I have is the ability to ALWAYS KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE. I mean, you can only hold the crazy in so long, right?
I know that my family is not only representing ourselves but our witness in Christ and other large/mega families. So, those of you who let your brood run wild, please know you aren’t doing the rest of us any favors ;)
Hi April, my husband and I were rolling with laughter at your prepared responses. They are awesome! I wouldn’t consider those to be sarcastic at all, just humorous, light-hearted and fun. :-) A few are some of my husband’s favorite prepared responses (see “Humor” #s 17 and 18!) and he picked up a few gems from your comment as well.
Some of his favorite replies are, “Everyone’s good at something, and we know what we’re good at!” We both liked the “reckless protestant.” He has sometimes called us “productive protestants.” :-)
In reply to “What causes that?” He’ll often look at them dumbfounded and say, “No… what?” or “Yep, and we like it!”
I agree that we need to remember who we are representing, and I hope that’s the message that came across in the post. Thanks for your delightful comment!
I just found your blog via pinterest and I have to say I love this post. I certainly don’t have a large family yet, but I do have 3 kids, ages 3,2,and 8 months. I hear these comments all the time, especially “you sure have your hands full.” My family and I are all Catholic and do not believe in using contraceptives for any reason, we do however try to practice Natural Family Planning. The reason why I say try is because we are not very good at abstaining for various reasons. One being that it took a year and a half to get pregnant with our first and learned that God will let it happen in His timing not our own, so we have learned to trust him in planning our family. After all, we do not have a better plan than God does! My family always worries because my pregnancies are all high risk and they do not want to see anything bad happen but they are slowly learning to trust God with our family too!
I just started a new blog at http://www.lovesharinglife.wordpress.com.