In our “a boy for me and a girl for you, then praise the Lord, we’re finally through” culture (to quote Voddie Baucham), our family tends to stick out in a crowd! From curious strangers at the grocery store to our closest family members, we get a lot of questions and comments on a regular basis. Some are comical in nature, a rare few downright rude, but most people are very supportive and encouraging, and we do get some serious questions from those who are genuinely interested in knowing the answers. I thought I would take a crack at some of the questions that we most frequently hear, both the silly and the serious.
Are you nuts? No.
Don’t you know what causes that? Yes.
Was this planned? Since before the Earth was formed? Yes. In our own minds from the beginning of marriage? No. Each individual child around the time of their conception? Yes.
Why?? There are so many answers to this, and I can’t begin to explain the depth of the many reasons why. But here are a few of the answers… We love children. We have a tremendous heart for them. We have felt convicted that God desired us to have each and every one of these children. We believe they are a blessing, not a burden. They are a joy and a balm to our hearts. We consider it an honor to raise up a lot of children in our faith to bring glory to God. How’s that for starters?
I know a woman who grew up in a large family, and she hated it. She swore she would never have children. When I meet someone who grew up in a large family, they always let me know! They never fail to tell me their feelings about it. Occasionally one will express that they hated it, but by and large, most will tell me how much they loved it and how glad they are to have had lots of siblings. Sometimes a teary-eyed older person will tell me that now that their parents have passed on, they are so glad to have those sisters and brothers with whom they shared their childhood. Some will tell me that now some of their siblings have passed on, and how dearly they miss them.
So what makes the difference between those who loved it and those who hated it? I can’t be certain, but I have a theory that it often has something to do with their parents’ feelings about their large brood. When parents believe their children to be a burden and hardship, and are bitter about being stuck with their “lot in life,” I think this bitterness rubs off on the children, who grow up with a mindset that having a large family is a terrible thing to be avoided. But, when parents feel that raising a large family is a privilege, blessing, and honor, I suspect that the children grow up feeling that it’s pretty special to be part of such a family.
I can only speak for my crew, and they think it’s awesome to be part of a large family.
Are you the most patient woman in the world? Absolutely not. Having a lot of children has been a magnifying glass to my impatience, and has driven me to my knees in prayer more times than I can count. I can say with certainty that the Lord has used my “mommy of many” role to refine me in patience and many other ways. (Update: Click here to read more about how God is growing me in patience.)
Are you the most organized woman in the world? Ha ha ha!!!! Ahem. No, I am most certainly not the most organized person in the world. By sheer necessity, I’ve (once again) been driven to my knees to seek wisdom in how to manage things. I’ve read books, I’ve applied, I’ve adapted, and I’ve carefully planned routines and systems in the home to help me live in an organized way. With the Lord’s help, I’ve learned to be organized enough to manage a house full of children. Which, by the way, is partially why I started this blog!
What about “Me Time?” Hmmm… How do I answer this? Let me preface by stating that I do believe rest is essential, and every mother needs some amount of quiet, calm, peaceful time to regroup. However, I think that “me time,” in the way that most people think of it, is overrated. I’ve searched the scriptures, and there just isn’t anything in there that would justify tremendous amounts of “Me Time.” Rest? Yes. Enjoyment of creation? Yes? But there’s a whole lot more in there about hard work, dying to self, and putting needs of others before yourself.
That said, I must confess that I love the hours in the afternoon when my youngest ones are napping and the house is so very quiet. I love the early morning hours when the sun isn’t quite up, and the house is quiet. I love the time when the little ones are all put to bed, and the house is quiet. I love when I can get an uninterrupted shower. BUT! I also love: the morning time when we are bustling through the house with breakfast and chores… cuddling on the couch reading stories… the hours of homeschooling… the sound of the children playing together… the time of day when the little ones wake up from their naps… chatting with my kids while preparing dinner… playing “Hide and Seek” or “Apples to Apples” with them… making a jumbo, messy, bowl of popcorn and letting them dive in to it on movie night… and just talking to my kids.
What is “Me Time?” Is it simply doing things we love to do? My days are full of those, children included! And I even find time to do things by myself, such as writing blog posts like this or reading books. Is “Me Time” defined as rest? I manage to get that every day as well. Is “Me Time” getting out of the house alone? When I need to buy clothing for myself, I usually do so alone. I sometimes go to my doctor’s appointments alone. Occasionally I even get out to the grocery store alone, although most days I have all six kids in tow. Quite frankly, it makes very little difference to me. With a little training, kids can make it through the grocery store without making you crazy, and they can actually be taught to be helpful!
How do you afford all those kids? You’ve been reading those “Costs to raise a child to age 18″ articles again, haven’t you? Throw those away! It doesn’t have to be that way, truly. It can be, if you buy a bigger house with the birth of each child, buy all new clothing for each child, utilize a lot of childcare, and make dining out the “rule” rather than the “exception.” But it does not have to be that way. I happen to think that not every child (or even every two children) “needs” their own room. While I like my kids to dress in nice, up-to-date clothing, I pass a lot of clothes down from child to child, filling in gaps as much as possible with consignment store finds. We’ve had to upgrade to larger vehicles exactly twice, but I think our 12-passenger van will suffice for a while! Having a large family nudges you to think a bit outside the box in how you use the space in your home, and you really do find ways to make it work without having to buy a mini-mansion; I often like to share our new solutions for space issures here on the blog (click here for more info on this). Food does cost a bit more when you have more children, but I cook from scratch a lot, and have learned to enjoy it. I keep easy meals on hand for days that I’m tired. Not to say that we never dine out, but our culinary experiences have gravitated more toward the “kids eat free on Tuesdays” establishments, and dining out is the exception, not the rule. We’ve learned the difference between “needs” and “wants.” Giving and needs are taken care of first, and wants are considered carefully.
But what about college? I could do a pretty big blog post dedicated to this question alone, but I’ll try to keep it simple, while being transparent.
- First and foremost, if it is God’s will for our children to attend college, and we have been faithful in using our money as we feel He directs, we believe He will provide a way for our children to attend, and likely to do so without debt. We can trust in Him.
- If it is not God’s will for our children to attend college, then He must have another plan for them which will provide for all their financial needs. We can trust in Him.
- We don’t have to do it the “usual” way. Some other options are:
*Take first 2 years at community college then transfer to a larger university.
*Commute to a nearby university. No room & board costs.
*Online classes may be an option. No room & board costs.
*Kids may be able to test out of some classes.
*A trade school might be well suited to a particular field that our children want to pursue.
*Even if these options won’t work with all of our children (depending on their course of study), some of the options should work for some of the children, lightening the overall load of total college costs. - We should have more money freed up at that time to help with college when it’s needed. We are currently paying almost double our mortgage payments. Our goal is to have our mortgage completely paid off by the time our oldest child has finished high school. Being 100% debt free will free up a lot of money to help with college when it’s needed.
- By the time younger ones are in college, older ones will be out of college and working, not relying on us to completely support them financially.
- There are several streams of money, large and small, that will work together help significantly with college costs:
*We have saved some money in 529 plans
*Kids can work
*Scholarships (by giving our children an excellent pre-college education and lots of real-world experience, we hope they will qualify for something here!)
*Grants may be available for a family of our size.
*Some bonds and other gifts acquired through the years
For more on this, you might want to read a great book called College Without Compromise.
Whoah – Did you say you pay double your mortgage payments??? How in the world do you do that? Nearly double, but not quite. Anyhow, if you have ever visited us and wondered such things as, “Why don’t they move into a bigger house? Why don’t they add on to the back of their house? Why do they drive their vehicles until they die? Why don’t they just replace those kitchen countertops? Why don’t they finish that basement already?” Well, now you have your answer. One can’t double their mortgage payments when they have the burden of car payments, home equity loans, and other consumer debt. With God’s grace, principles learned by Dave Ramsey, and a fantastic budgeting system (YNAB) we have managed to be debt-free with the exception of the mortgage. We’re working to fix that situation now! For more on this, you can read this blog post detailing how we manage our finances.
But just think! If you didn’t have kids, you could get a bigger house and drive newer cars… It’s a trade-off, I know. But I happen to believe that we are getting the better end of the bargain!!!! I’d take children over square footage any day. If your goal is to accumulate as much stuff as possible before you die, then we would appear to be very foolish indeed. But that’s not our goal. As Bubbles so beautifully stated the other day, we want something that we can take to Heaven with us. The best things you can take to Heaven with you are other people, and what a blessing when you can bring your own children!
Don’t you worry that you won’t be able to do anything with your life after your kids grow up and leave the nest? No, I don’t worry about that at all. I’m capable of being passionate about many things. At this stage in my life, being a mom is “what I do,” and as such, I expect to pour my heart into it. At the same time, I’ve managed to be involved in a number of different ministries, many of which I can do with my children. I’ve no doubt that the Lord will continue to place me in the path of new and exciting opportunities that He plans for me, even after my children are grown.
Do you think everybody should have a lot of kids? No. To be honest, I really don’t spend time thinking about decisions that other people make. It is not my business, and I’m not here to pass judgment on anyone else. My job is to live as the Lord calls me. And in my case, I am called to be a mom of lots of kids, a role which I happen to love!
Are you going to have any more children? That’s a question that I’m not quite ready to answer yet! But I can tell you this. In all the many conversations that I have had on the topic of family size, not a single person has ever told me that they wish they had fewer children. I’m sure there are people out there who feel that way, but I’ve never come across them. However, many, many people, whose child-bearing years have passed, have looked me deeply in the eye and said with regret, “I wish I’d had more.”‘
I love big families – I only have four (which by today’s standard is big!) and wish I’d gotten the opportunity to have more. I’m in my 40′s now, so it’s not a great idea to continue to have children. I would until God says my body can’t do it anymore, but I don’t think that will come to pass.
God bless you, I think you’re amazing, and I would walk in your shoes given the chance!
Love this post! You go girl! I love my moderatly big family… and yes… if I had gotten started sooner I would have had more. Love the big family – and everything about it!
As we hope to begin adding to our family (which is currently just me & my husband) this year, I have to say I LOVE this post. We have strong feelings about having MANY children and have friends who struggle with the looks and questions they receive with “just” 5. It is posts like yours which I think are so encouraging not only to us, as we begin the journey of parenting, but to others like yourself a good bit into the same journey!
When you said, “We consider it an honor to raise up a lot of children in our faith to bring glory to God,” it is our exact thinking, and a main reason why we hope God will bless us with many little ones that we will train.
Thanks for posting!
Great answers! Thanks for sharing your insights (especially about the “me time” one… I probably need to adjust my thinking on that).
~Luke
Question about the “me time”…….
First background-I love kids, particularly babies, we have four children (which constantly earns us stares & comments) and would like more. I’ve always wanted a large family. But I’ve been struggling big time since my 3rd and 4th children were born. I’m great at the playing and reading and doing crafts with the kids, but not so much with cleaning the house and organizing. My husband works long hours and is not inclined to help. My Mom will occasionally help straighten up, but essentially it’s all me and I get overwhelmed.
I know going out someplace by myself can help energize me. Sometimes it’s just nice to have time without anyone asking things of you, without a baby crying in a checkout line, etc. etc. I come back and I feel like I can deal with things again. Sometimes it’s just as simple as taking a quick walk so I have a few minutes where I can hear my own thoughts. I love my children to death and I enjoy being with them, but I do need small amounts of time to myself to feel human. I agree that most people’s idea of the amounts of time they should spend away from their family is rediculous, but I don’t think that means that it’s not a valid concept. Please respond, I’d like to hear your thoughts!
PS. I have google alerts for large families, that’s how I came accross your blog
I am so glad to hear that this is encouraging some other people! It helped me to write it out, and if anyone else gains from it, that’s even more of a blessing!
Sajmom, to answer your question… I don’t mean to imply that there is anything wrong with getting a little time alone. Going for a walk is an excellent way to do this as it helps you get some exercise too. If this helps you and you have the opportunity to do so, then there’s no issue. I think that “me time” becomes an issue when it becomes an expectation… when mom gets irritable and starts complaining when she doesn’t get her personal time. I say this not with a pointed finger, but as someone who has been there/done that, and has learned from it. Everyone is happier if I keep the expectation that I may not necessarily get the opportunity to have some time alone. I now find myself sincerely thankful for the moments when I actually get some time to myself, but my spirit isn’t ruined when I don’t get it.
A practical example… If the baby wakes up when I was looking forward to an early morning cup of tea, all alone and quiet, I have two choices. 1) I can feel that I have been unfairly deprived of an entitlement and begin grumbling in my spirit, “Can’t I even enjoy a simple cup of tea for 5 minutes?” or 2) I can remember that my little “tea time” was never a guarantee, and I can welcome my little guy to sit in his high chair and have a few cheerios next to me.
I hope that makes it a little more clear. Have you ever read the poem “Do the Next Thing?” I posted it here on the blog a while back: http://myblessedhome.wordpress.com/2008/07/11/do-the-next-thing/. In those moments when I’m overwhelmed and tempted to get irritable because I really want a break, I say to myself, “Just do the next thing, Michelle.” It’s a great reminder.
I truly think you remind everyone that when the decision was made to have children, that is a 24/7 commitment – the life you knew without children is over, but a better, more fulfilling one is about to begin.
My husband and I sort of cringe when we hear people asking about our “us” time. Our “us” time is movie nights with the kids. Or going on a picnic in the park. I don’t know when someone determined that hubby and I have to be alone a lot in order to connect – we love nothing more than being alone, with our children!
We have 40 more years on this plant, God willing – we will have lots of “us” time, and we will miss the middle of the night baby fingers in our noses and feet in our backs. We will miss toddler tantrums and pre-teen moodiness. I know we will.
Sandra, your dates sound a bit like ours – with kids included! I think the last time Iron Man and I went out alone was on our anniversary last July. If the grandmas are reading this they can correct me if I’m wrong!
We do get time alone together though, because one nice thing about young children is that their bedtimes are much earlier than ours! On the weekends we sometimes stay up very, very late watching movies & such in our own living room. I always find that very romantic!
You are such a good mom. This is my favorite entry on your blog (I like them all) Glad you are all healthy!
I love this post! We have five children (four daughter and an adopted infant African/American son). We are not sure that we are finished, and will likely adopt again. Many people think of us as “idiots” when we say this. I could care less. As long as we can provide for them, and they are duly taught and not a burden on society… then why not, right? Thanks again for sharing!
Mindy
Adopt a ‘Do – Cute Girls Hairstyles
I love this post. Scott and I have learned so much from Voddie’s Marriage By Design Series. It is amazing how wrong our society is. Most people get into more and more debt to have what they want. They also limit the number of children to have more money…where as the Bible teaches us to look at debt as a curse and children as a blessing. Very well written!
Michelle,
I forgot to mention that you might want to look into college plus. Voddie and actually, Forbes Magazine, both recommend it. It is a college program that is designed for home-schooled students that will greatly reduce the cost of college.
You may already have heard of it…but if not… maybe it could help in the future.
Thanks, Heather! I have heard of this but haven’t looked very much into it… yet. From what I gather, it utilizes the ideas that are in the book, “College Without Compromise,” but they have people to guide you through the process step by step. I think the cost is very reasonable, and it sounds like something we will find very valuable as we get closer to that time!
That was a long post Mom.
PS: It was nice too.
from Bubbles
Michelle,
Thank you for sharing all of your wisdom and heart with the world! I really look up to you and appreciate the transparency into your life. It helps us get a clearer picture into what we need to be praying about and thinking about in our own lives. You truly are a good model of Biblical Womanhood. I thank God every day for sendind us to a church filled with strong Christian women!
Melissa
This is a wonderful post. I think I’ll probably be revisiting it in the future when I start my family. Good attitude and good advice!
Hi Elle, Thanks for your comments! I look forward to visiting your blog. :-)
Looking like 3 IS our big family!!! With me having some thyroid issues, I really could not take for granted that I’d have even one!! So 3 is over and beyond the blessing
I guess that’s what happens when you don’t get started until you’re 34!!
I would love to welcome more if God wants to send more! Please ask Him too on my behalf!! DD really wants a baby sister!
God doesn’t want you to have a crazy amount of children. It’s really just what happens when you don’t use birth control. I doubt that God would want you to contribute to trashing the only livable planet he gave us.
Stop fooling yourselves. You have lots of children because you are narcissistic. If you love children so much, then adopt, rather than adding to the world’s overpopulation.
Shannon, we love our children and believe that they are a blessing created by God. We don’t judge others who choose not to have children, but believe this is the right choice for us. As to adoption, that is something we have considered and may do at some point. While you are certainly welcome to your viewpoints, I respectfully disagree with your assessment of our family. If you are new to our blog, I wouldn’t expect you to know this, but we are teaching our children to be good stewards of the world that God has given us, and to make a positive difference in it. I appreciate you dropping by and visiting us on our family blog, and you are welcome to disagree with us, but I would appreciate you keeping a respectful tone in your future comments. Thanks, Michelle
Well said Michelle.
I just found your website through Once A Month Mom and I already love what I’m reading. My hubs and I have 2 sets of twins, and hubs has 3 older kids from first marriage, so 7, plus a son-in-law now. My absolute favorite memories to date are of us all being at the dinner table together, or playing a board game – and having absolute joyous chaos! It’s happy noise! And I feel 100% blessed when we walk into church and take up a whole row. :)
I just wanted to put a word out there for all the moms that are getting older and wish they had more kids. You can! There are kids needing families to adopt them, and the ones with the highest need are older kids and sibling groups. You can adopt kids all the way up until age 21, and with the foster system, it’s completely free. Even college is paid for if you adopt them in the late teen years. Check into it!
Thanks for the info, Carrie. I’m sure that will come in useful for a lot of moms! :-)
Pingback: Our new chore system | My Blessed Home
Hi there! I was pointed to your blog from someone who contacted me on your site! Looks like you have a great site with lots of wisdom! Congrats on #8! I have 5 so I know how exciting it is to add a little one to the tribe! Glad I found your site, I look forward to looking around more, its always a blessing to glean wisdom from other moms of large families!
In Christ,
Jenn
Thank you, Jenn! I dropped by your website and it looks wonderful! God bless you and your wonderful family!
I’m loving your blog! We only have three and every one assumes we are done…they look at me funny when I tell them we aren’t. Congratulations on your new little bundle!
Thank you, Amanda! :-)